Friday, January 12, 2007

you're ugly, too

So, I'm in the checkout line at one of the Flagstaff Safeways the other day, having spent the last hour loading my cart to overflowing in an effort to restock our cupboards. I had to do a triple-take at the sign above the register to make sure that I hadn't accidentally and boorishly wandered into an Express lane, because there was NO line. This is unheard of in the Bay Area - I'm still in culture shock.

So, as I'm leaning over, stacking my groceries onto the conveyor belt, I get the distinct impression that my head is faux pas-ishly close to something it shouldn't be close to. And when I glance to my left, I see that my impression is correct: My head is mere INCHES away from Cameron Diaz' ass. Well, I guess I shouldn't automatically assume that the ass in question belonged to Diaz (her face wasn't showing), but she does seem to be a favorite of The Tabloid Celebrity Butt Issues, which are - dishearteningly - back at at a grocery store magazine rack near you. In fact, it seems that a veritable Tabloid Celebrity Butt Issue (TCBI) Competition heats up on these racks every so often - who can show the largest derriere escaping from the most pathetically small bikini bottom; who can computer-enhance the greatest number of dimples onto the fewest cheeks; who can publish the clearest bonus shot of an amply-padded celebrity who has also turned her makeup-free face toward the camera in horror, allowing all tabloid readers to glory in the fact that NOT ONLY DOES SHE HAVE AN ENORMOUS BUM, BUT SHE'S ACTUALLY UGLY, TOO. (In the late 1980's short story and novel writer extraordinaire, Lorrie Moore, wrote a story with the same title of this post, wherein she used that old joke - you know the one: A man is told by his doctor that he has only weeks to live. "I want a second opinion," the man says. "Okay," says the doctor. "You're ugly, too.")

Can somebody please explain to me the purpose of these TCBIs? After spending 99% of the publishing year glamorizing these very same celebs for their skeletal remains - er, slender figures - and flawless complexions (which you, dear reader, shall never attain, BUT! For the low, low price of just $3.99 you can take this magazine home and pore over our exclusive photos while finishing off that pint of Haagen Dazs), what is the point of the Brutally Honest Unveiling of the Heinies (BHUH)?

Are the buyers of these rags (and the innocent victims simply trying to pay for our groceries and get home) supposed to all of a sudden feel like that virtuous and legendary child in Andersen's classic fairy tale "The Emperor's New Clothes?" (Hey! Those actresses aren't perfect after all!) Or is this a more sinister attempt to reduce us all to social snipers straight from the fourth-grade playground? (That Cameron Diaz thinks she's so hot, but have you SEEN her butt?) Don't act like you don't know who I'm talking about. If you weren't harassed by one of those girls, then you probably WERE one of those girls.

Whatever the tabloids' intentions, I propose a massive boycott. Of course, first I'll have to figure out who actually buys these things (Mom, can you send me a list of your friends' phone numbers? I'm KIDDING.) Then I'll have to make sure that I'm not caught out in public in a string bikini any time soon, lest the Star and the Enquirer put a retaliatory bounty on my ass - er, head.


  1. Well, um, er... I do admit to reading them in the checkout line. But only if it's a long line.

    My favorite is the Weekly World News, and they NEVER show anybody's butt on the cover, unless it's an alien butt, or a vampire baby butt.

  2. The tabloids would be LUCKY to have your bum in their zine! Cameron Diaz has NOTHING over you, honey!! Not EVEN Jennifer Garner. :-)

  3. Now, Bonnie, I don't have any problem at all with an alien tuckus OR a vampire baby tuckus because, really, who wouldn't want to see those at any time of the day or night? So, I agree. Weekly World New is definitely the way to go. ;-)

  4. Maiden, I want whatever someone sprinkled on your food.

  5. SO..It's not just me that thinks you look EXACTLY like Jenny G. eh..DAM* your genes..All I get to look like is a fat, OLD Ally Sheedy..GREAT.

  6. WHO is your dealer, ladies??

    (And, d.h., I've already told you that you look just like Kirsten Dunst.)

  7. ROFLMAO!! I think Kirsten would give you a *****slap for that.. >>wink<<

  8. Anonymous7:56 PM

    You're cracking me up, Nicole (pun intended) :)

    Another confession (but one I'm proud of)...I'm the prude who actually turns the magazines around in the racks, so the distasteful covers don't show. And if the backside (sometimes literally) is just as bad, I hide it behind another magazine, like say Family Circle.

  9. I have never heard of someone HIDING distasteful zine covers! I will be looking for you in the stores. :-)