the bane of my existence

looks something like this:


Those of you with small children in your lives, those of you who succumbed to the unrelenting advertising bombardment of the Christmas 2007 toy shopping season will no doubt recognize this perp as none other than Squawkers McCaw. Here are some of Squawkers' "selling points" from Hasbro's official press release:


*SQUAWKERS McCAW will repeat – in a squawky voice - any words spoken to him.


*SQUAWKERS McCAW will respond to preprogrammed phrases, such as “Hello” and “Are you hungry?”, with his own phrases.


*You can “teach” the parrot to respond to you by programming voice commands or prompts. For example, you can program him to respond with “Happy Birthday” every time you say a specific child’s name. You can also program additional phrases that the parrot will say at random.


*SQUAWKERS McCAW can also be “humorous” and “playful” by randomly responding to his pre-programmed phrases in a nonsensical way.



Yeah, that's all well and good and everything. But the truth? The truth is that when Daughter has Squawkers out on the swing set and I'm sitting at my computer inside it sounds like Carrie White and Sybil Dorsett are taking part in some kind of Tim Burtonesque Toastmasters Competition in my back yard.

In other news, I have a new answering machine that lets me know just what I have done every time I listen to a message and then press the Delete button: "Message elited," the machine says, in a most authoritative-if-somewhat-emotionally-devoid, masculine voice. It's like each lost message has just graduated from West Point or something.


Ah, technology. Some days I am in utter awe of just how many things the human race has accomplished in this area. Other days I feel like the release of the original Speak n' Spell isn't far behind us at all (I always especially liked the sound of the "w" key). It's those days - these days, actually - when I suspect we may still have a long, long way to go.Follow @nicole_mcinnes

ummm.....

Or should I have titled this post "yummmm..." instead?

What does it say about me that I scored 100% on The George Costanza Candy Identification Quiz? (via MentalFloss, via Neatorama) On second thought, don't answer that.

It was a bit cruel of me to do this to myself - taking the quiz, I mean - since I've been off refined sugar and flour (for the most part) for the past few months. Yup, it's been stevia sweetener and Ezekiel Bread around here at Nicki's Health Central. Walking past the recent Halloween candy displays in stores is particularly excruciating, since I could easily rip open a fraternity-sized bag of Brach's Candy Corn, stick a section of hose in there and "beer bong" the entire bag in one sitting.

Also, about five minutes ago, a friend brought over a loaf of banana bread so fresh from the oven that it is STILL WARM. Makes me think of a refrigerator magnet I saw at the feed store in town today. It was a picture of a pig with its front half inside an open feed bag. "Lead me not into temptation," the caption read. "I can find it all by myself."Follow @nicole_mcinnes

so I want to say thank you

Basically, summer sucked.

I hate to sound so cynical, but it's the truth. I got through it, though, and I'm glad it's finally fall, which has been my very favorite season ever since The Cosby Show first aired and Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable taught me how much joyous potential was out there just waiting to be tapped wherever fall sweaters were sold. So, I suppose it was fashion that made me love the current season as much as I do. I remember one favorite sweater in particular - a gray mock turtleneck with little colorful nubbles of yarn knitted throughout. I used to count down the September days, just waiting for one cold enough to warrant wearing it...

But I digress. And in an odd way, too.

Anyway, I spent much of the summer in my hometown, where I had hoped to work through the descending/exploding emotional crud via frequent jogs around the old neighborhood. Something about running past all those childhood/young adulthood ghosts waiting to greet me sounded like just the ticket to help me get through what I have come to think of as the "tunnel of fire."

Unfortunately, there were signs like this one posted all over the place:

Nice. And here I thought a remote Arizona prairie was a potentially dangerous place to run because of all the "kitties" (as an old hunting acquaintance used to call them). Turns out the 'burbs are apparently much more treacherous.

So, I ended up running the track at my old high school instead, which was inevitably bittersweet (and only partly in the if-I-knew-then-what-I-know-now sense). I ran and ran, circling the Latino soccer teams that frequently practiced there and sometimes bringing a kid or two along to keep me company. (Side note: I'm fairly certain my son is destined to be a track star. The kid has seemingly endless energy, plus the perfect lanky/colt-like runner's frame).

Sometimes, when I walked, I listened to this.

And, sometimes, when I ran, I listened to this.

I still have lots of listening left to do.

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and my mother gave me a doll

This is me:

This is me in the kitchen today, making taco soup without the aid of a properly functioning can opener...which meant I had to pry the partially-opened can further open with a spoon that slipped and...

...why are you all spinning?


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equinox equine

My old boy Zzari has been a total drama queen lately. I've owned this horse since he was three, and in the nearly two decades of our association he's just about been the easiest keeper I've ever known: Totally predictable, totally low maintenance.

He's recently moved into a new herd, though, and something about this has brought out his inner diva. It matters not that one of the members of the new group is an old pasture mate he lived with for many years or that another member is just as elderly as Zzari. His knickers are in a twist, plain and simple.

This has manifested itself via various, dramatic lamenesses, faux colic episodes and a general unpleasantness toward life in general. Except when the grain bucket appears. Then he's like a backstage groupie at a Jonas Brothers concert. Good thing for him and the rest of us that he's on a new bulking-up regimen that includes free-feed hay and lots of nummy Equine Senior topped off by a few generous dollops of corn oil. Maybe that, plus the fact that it's now officially fall (which means fly season's days are numbered) will settle the old dude down. Let's hope so, anyway. Life's dramatic enough without adding a four-legged crisis addict to the mix.

Viva autumn!Follow @nicole_mcinnes

have a little Chad

I love this video. Wish I'd thought of this concept for a short story.

I hope you've all been well while I've been on an extended blogging vacay. It's good to be back, and I've much to share... the good, the bad and the ugly. Well, maybe not all of it. I don't want to be accused of walking around without any pants on.

Inside joke. Old blog post. Deal with it.



:-pFollow @nicole_mcinnes

blogging break 2008!

Seems like all sorts of stuff starts coming down the pike at this time of year lately, which is why AWAAR will be going dark for a while. Don't give up on me, though.

As a very wise governator once said:

"I'll be bock."Follow @nicole_mcinnes

how I shall make my literary mark

I was out walking Lizzie the Cow Pup at the plumber's crack of dawn this morning when I started thinking about the whole Elizabeth Gilbert sensation.

I haven't actually read this book, but you don't have to read it to know the gal has made bajillions (with Oprah's help, of course).

And then it hit me - and I suddenly knew from whence my long-awaited literary fame would flourish.

So, here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write the biography of a highly fascinating individual who has made an impression on scads of people. You might say she's "made her mark" in a big way and in many places. I already have a title picked, out, too. It's short, sweet and manages to convey every key point of this highly fascinating individual's life:

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...but wait!

Maiden53 herself - being the honorable soul she is - has gracefully reminded me that she is, in fact, ineligible to win the bar of Lily of the Valley soap, since she did not, in fact, address the question of whether blogging is or is not like walking around without any pants.

So, I returned to my highly scientific calculation method, which this time involved asking a visiting neighbor kid to pick a number between one and four.

"Two," spake the child.

Which means Marla wins! Congrats!

This is somewhat of a coincidence, since this self-same gal recently tagged me via the following email. I've decided to reply here:

TAG - YOU'RE IT! If you opened it, you have to do it (it only takes a couple minutes I swear!) Then, send it to the rest of your friends!

Two names you go by: 1. "MOM!!!!" 2. Nix

Two things that you are wearing right now: 1. Fruit of the Looms (not going into any more detail) 2. rapidly eroding nail polish. And, yes, I'm wearing more than that. Get yer heads out of the gutter.

Two things you want very badly right now: 1. a break from work 2. to finally hear that my novel has found a publishing home

Two people who will most likely send this back 1. No 2. Clue

Two things you did last night: 1. Led a Clover Kids meeting 2. Picked up son from the folks who drove him to his baseball game one town over

Two things you ate today: 1. Monterey sourdough from Sam's Club (and it rivals some of the best Bay Area sourdough, imo) 2. Smarties

Two people you last talked to: 1. April 2. Lizzie (hey, she's like a small, four-legged person with fur, right?)

Two things you did today: 1. caught up 2. drank coffee (not necessarily in that order)

Two longest Car rides: 1. Flagstaff to Marin 2. Marin to Flagstaff

Two favorite beverages (hot weather): 1. ice water 2. Diet Pepsi (heavily iced)

So, there you have it, folks. Anyone who has read this far, consider yourself tagged.Follow @nicole_mcinnes

And the winner is...

A highly scientific process has, once again, been applied to the task of choosing this week's soap winner. Here's the process: I holler to daughter (who's watching the evening edition of Miss Spider's Sunny Patch Friends after a long day of being in town and attending her Clover Kids (4H) meeting), "Pick a number between one and five!"

So she did. And our lucky winner is Number 5 - Maiden53! Give me a call, Dear.

And the rest of you please tune in Friday for the next edition of the great Garland Prairie Soaps Giveaway. Thanks for playing!

:-)Follow @nicole_mcinnes

she's at it again!

In celebration of today being the official start of summer vacay for the offspring, I'll be giving away a bar of my newly-redesigned Lily of the Valley vegetable glycerin soap. I always start soaping again around this time of year, after a long hiatus from the insanity of the holidays. Plus, it looks like I'll be a vendor at the County Fair this year, so I'd better get soapin.'




These bars smell reeeeeeally good. Plus, they're bright and sunny...and after the weather we've had for the past, oh, NINE MONTHS or so, I find myself irresistibly attracted to bright and sunny.

Wanna win? Just leave a comment to this post explaining why you do or do not think that blogging is like walking around with no pants.Follow @nicole_mcinnes

so, my sister-in-law

told me that she finds blog-reading to be a very uncomfortable experience, because blogging is all about putting your personal "stuff" out there for the whole world to see.

"It's like bloggers are walking around without their pants!" she said (or something close to it, anyway).

So, J, here's the deal: I promise, when I'm out there visiting next month, that I will try my best to KEEP MY PANTS ON.

I'd love to think she's reading this, of only to imagine the look of pure horror on her cute face. Alas, though, I fear I'll have to settle for just telling her about it.Follow @nicole_mcinnes

fluppy breath

This is Lizzie the cow dog - er, cow pup. She's new around these parts.

"u has a new WHAT?"

"cow pup! i'm a cow pup! is yur ears broke?"

It's okay that she's new, though. She already has lots of new friends showing her the ropes.

"o hai! another new friend fer me!"

"mabee not."

"i has a sorry. try agin pleese?"

(grumble)

"dis much bettur."

Welcome to our family, little Liz.

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ken asked for it

So now everyone who reads this entire post will have to suffer the consequences of one person being curious about what has been on my mind, musically speaking, lately.

So, let's see. I've been thinking about what it must have felt like to be a wanted outlaw in the Olde West, for one.

Dang, those Jovi boys were so young and...big-haired. And glittery.

And I've also been thinking about what might be done with an inebriated seaman:

(I know for a fact this is a direct result of having SpongeBob SquarePants playing all too frequently in the background while I work). (There's also a "waddle, waddle, quack, quack" song that's been implanted in my brain by my daughter, who will be a pre-schooler for only one more week. Talk about bitter-sweet.)

Oh, let's see. For a whole host of reasons Wagner's Ride has been a recent cerebral staple lately (which sounds rather painful, I realize, after typing that). Maybe it's because Rush was playing some of his old bumper music the other day when I happened to be tuned in. Who knows.

Also, Shakira. Because it's one of the best running-on-the-prairie songs there is. Don't believe me? Come on out with your spandex pants and trail running shoes and try it some time. (That midget mummy in the video totally creeps me out, though.)

Speaking of Latin loveliness, nobody else brings it like The Gipsy Kings. Nobody. I saw them at the Greek Theater in Berkeley in another lifetime. They were amazing.

And finally: Dang it all if I can't stay away from this cutie pie. He makes it so durned hard to be glum (and is it even possible to resist someone who sings a line like, "Scootch on over closer dear and I will nibble your ear"?)

So, there you have it. A random look inside the musical mayhem happening inside my brain at any given moment. Thrilling, I know.

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happiness is

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and then the weather does this

...and I feel bad for ever snapping at it.

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talk about an awkward pre-adolescence

Today's post is brought to you by Ivan the Terrible:

And by Elizabeth Swan:

And by daughter's "little baby hen" Maribella (who, I am suspecting more and more every day, is going to need to have his name changed):

And, finally, by Tiny:

Have I mentioned before that life gets considerably more complicated when you have four chickens living in the bathtub?

Their first day outside is going to happen soon. It was supposed to have happened already, but, unfortunately, it hasn't. Wanna know why?

Because today's post is also brought to you by the letter 'S.' As in Snow on the windows. On May FLIPPIN' twenty-second:


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okay, here's the thing

Be forewarned.

You should never give me something cool, random and free, like, say, an old hunting trailer:

Because something inside me will inevitably take over, until the original thing you gave me will start to become an Even More Original! thing.

Why is this? What is it about me that always wants to take something perfectly fine and scre- um, pretty it up?

Don't rightly know, but it's a streak I've always had. And I'm okay with that now.

As the "prettying up" process unfolded (and, really, the process is still just getting started), I kept hearing John Cougar Mellancamp's southern drawl saying, "...and we're gonna paint the mother PANK."

Does anyone remember that line from his Little Pink Houses/MTV album promotion back in the 80's, when JCM (or was he still just John Cougar at that point?) was supposed to actually show up at the contest winner's house and help a bunch of the lucky winner's friends paint it pink?

There's no telling how things might degenerate - er, how much MORE original things might get from this point forward (i.e. just wait 'til I get murals painted and epoxy some big ol' rhinestones on there).

You think I'm joking, don't you.

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um...

Okay, so it is the merry month of May, right?

I mean, it's not like I've slipped through a random crack in the space/time continuum, and it's really February again, right?

Because, when I woke up this morning and looked out the back door, this is what I saw:

The animals, all of whom have lost their winter coats by now, were looking at us humans like this was somehow our fault (when we all know it's really Bush's fault). Daughter built a snowman:

(which, uh, had a rather embarrassing skin condition apparently). Then she came inside to drink some hot apple cider and watch A Charlie Brown Christmas (I kid you not), which somehow managed to get left out months ago after I packed away all the other Christmas videos and DVDs. Listening to Linus plinking out "Jingle Bells" on his piano and hearing Lucy say, "Of all the Charlie Browns in the world, you're the Charlie Browniest" was extremely jarring somehow, with summer only weeks away. I told the husband it was like eating liver pate' for dessert - just plain wrong.

Fortunately, yesterday, we were able to visit the Grand Canyon Deer Farm with our 4-H Clover Kids group before the snowstorm moved in.

No, shy, timid wallflowers, these ungulates. Especially when the nearest human has a handful of deer treats.

Yeah, so I got a hump. What's it to you?

Okay, okay. I get the picture. No donkey treats. Sheesh.

Maybe I should have taken the reindeer as a sign that all would soon turn funky in the world of Northern Arizona weather.

Course, I got me some goat love, which means that even a spring blizzard can't bring me down.

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attention Wal-Mart shoppers

So, I'm in Wal-Mart on Saturday, returning a $6 toaster which (shock!) stopped working after the fourth toast, when an announcement comes over the speaker system:

"We have a misplaced little boy back here in the layaway department. He appears to be about four-years-old and Native American, wearing a red shirt and blue jeans."

A Navajo lady nearby turned to one of her teenaged children, sighed and said, "Sounds like your father's lost again."Follow @nicole_mcinnes